You’ve tried everything.
Some nights you hold the boundary. They stay in bed, you walk away, job done.
Other nights you’re exhausted, you’ve got nothing left, and you cave. You go back in. You lie down with them. You bring them into your bed. You give them the extra story, the extra drink, the extra ten minutes.
And then tomorrow night the whole thing starts again – except somehow it’s worse.
Here’s what’s actually happening. And once you understand it, you won’t be able to unsee it.
What Is Intermittent Reinforcement?
Intermittent reinforcement is a concept from behavioural psychology. It describes what happens when a behaviour is rewarded sometimes – not always, not never, but randomly. Unpredictably.
And here’s the thing about intermittent reinforcement.
It creates the strongest, most persistent behaviour of all.
Not consistent reward. Not consistent refusal. Random reward.
Think about a slot machine. You put your money in. Most of the time, nothing happens. But occasionally – unpredictably – you win. And that unpredictability is exactly what keeps people feeding in coins. If you knew you’d never win, you’d stop. If you knew you’d always win, you’d play until you were bored. But maybe this time – that’s what keeps you coming back.
Your child’s brain works in exactly the same way.
What This Looks Like at Bedtime
Let’s say your child calls out after lights off. Most nights you don’t go back in. But on the nights you’re really tired, or really stressed, or they sound genuinely upset – you go in.
From your perspective, you made a reasonable human judgement call.
From your child’s nervous system? They just learned something crucial.
If I keep calling, eventually it works.
Not every time. But sometimes. And sometimes is enough.
The calling doesn’t fade – it intensifies. Because unpredictable rewards don’t teach children to stop trying. They teach children to try harder, and to keep going longer.
This is why you’ll hear parents say: “I caved after 45 minutes of calling out last week, and now they call for over an hour.” The behaviour escalated not despite the giving in, but because of it.
The Most Common Ways It Shows Up
It’s worth being honest here, because intermittent reinforcement doesn’t just happen at bedtime. It threads through the whole sleep picture.
The “sometimes you can come into our bed” situation. Co-sleeping when it’s your choice and your plan is absolutely fine. But if it’s something that happens on the nights you’re desperate – sometimes yes, sometimes no – your child will spend every night pushing for the yes. Not because they’re being difficult. Because their brain has learned that the yes is available. It just takes persistence to get there.
The inconsistent response to night waking. Monday you resettle them in their room. Wednesday you’re so exhausted you just bring them in. Friday you let them cry it out for a bit before going in. Every different response is a new data point teaching your child that the outcome is unpredictable – and therefore worth pursuing.
The bedtime routine that keeps extending. One story becomes two becomes three. You say goodnight and come back for the extra cuddle. The boundary shifts slightly every few nights depending on how much energy you have. Your child isn’t pushing the routine because they’re badly behaved. They’re pushing it because the evidence suggests it can be pushed.
The “no, no, no… fine, yes” pattern. You say no to something – coming downstairs, having a light left on, sleeping in your room – and hold it firmly. For a while. Until you can’t hold it anymore and you give in. Your child just learned that no doesn’t mean no. It means not yet.
This Isn’t About Blame
I want to be really clear about this.
Every single parent does this. Every one.
Because we are human, and we are tired, and at 11pm when we’ve been up since 6am and have a full day tomorrow and our child has been calling for an hour, caving is not weakness. It’s survival.
But understanding what’s happening underneath it is the difference between surviving the nights indefinitely and actually changing the pattern.
You are not a bad parent because you’ve been inconsistent. You’ve been inconsistent because you’re exhausted and you didn’t have a solid enough plan to hold onto when things got hard. That’s not a character flaw. It’s a gap in support.
What Consistency Actually Means
Consistency doesn’t mean being rigid. It doesn’t mean ignoring your child’s distress or never making a compassionate judgement call.
It means your child knows what to expect.
Every time. Not most of the time. Every time.
When the outcome is predictable – when your child knows from experience that calling out doesn’t change what happens, that the routine ends where it always ends, that night waking means a calm resettle in their own room– they stop pushing. Not immediately. But they stop.
Because a behaviour that is never reinforced fades.
It’s a behaviour that’s sometimes reinforced that becomes impossible to shift.
The Extinction Burst – And Why So Many Parents Give Up Just Before It Works
There’s one more thing you need to know.
When you first become consistent – when you stop reinforcing the behaviour that’s been getting a result sometimes – things usually get worse before they get better.
Your child escalates. They call louder. They persist longer. They try new tactics.
This is called an extinction burst, and it’s completely normal. It’s your child’s brain doing exactly what it’s supposed to do – trying harder when the usual strategy suddenly stops working.
Most parents interpret this escalation as evidence that what they’re doing isn’t working. And they give in.
Which, of course, teaches the child that escalating works.
The extinction burst is not a sign that you’re failing. It’s a sign that the old pattern is breaking down. Hold the line through it – gently, warmly, lovingly, but consistently – and it passes.
Give in during it, and you’ve just reinforced an even more intense version of the behaviour.
What This Means Practically
You don’t need to be perfect. You need to be predictable.
Before you make any change to how you handle bedtime or night waking, get clear on what you’re going to do. Not just tonight – every night. What’s the plan when they call out? What happens if they come to your room at 2am? What does the end of the bedtime routine look like, every single time?
Write it down if that helps. Make sure everyone in the house – both parents, grandparents doing bedtime – is doing the same thing.
Then hold it. Warmly. Calmly. Lovingly. But consistently.
Not because your child needs to be controlled. Because they need to know what to expect. Children don’t feel safe in the middle of unpredictability. A child who knows exactly what will happen at bedtime, every night, settles faster – not because they’ve given up, but because the uncertainty is gone.
That certainty is a gift. Not a punishment.
If You’re Reading This and Thinking “This Is Us”
You’re not alone. This is one of the most common patterns I see in the families I work with.
And the good news? It’s completely fixable.
Understanding intermittent reinforcement is the first step. Having a clear, consistent plan that feels manageable and feels right for your unique family – one that reflects what a loving response looks like to you, and what you know your child needs – and then getting the support to hold it when things get hard? That’s the second.
If you’d like help building that plan, I’d love to talk.
Book a free discovery call here
We can look at exactly what’s happening in your house and put something in place that actually sticks – gently, and without you having to white-knuckle it alone at midnight.
Sending you a big hug. Leigh. X
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